Quarter Of A Century!!!

this thing called life.......is there really more to it?

LIFE…

This thing called life has really been lifing in this my 25 years of life.

Hi, my dearest friend or lover……🙃

Today's my birthday and I hope I can share a few things with you as they are impressed on my mind.

Let me start with the fact that I was supposed to make a vulnerable Substack post on Wednesday but somehow I felt restraint…..no release in my spirit.

Even after I had done so much work in putting it together to make it just right but maybe it isn't just right, right now.

Reading my previously intended post over again, I see now that it's like I like to throw big words around because there's nothing vulnerable about that post….still so much hoarding and less sharing, still so much emotions I had watered down in a bid to try not to expose the real depth of it and not to make my readers uncomfortable but let's hope I just be myself in this post.

Whenever you see this post, if you don't wish me a happy birthday, be sure that I would be petty enough to reciprocate the energy…..just kidding….I think I can forbear you on that.😌

How do I feel about 25? How is life at 25? What are your plans for 25?

Honestly, I don't know but I guess we'd just figure it out as I write on.

You'd think that after 25 years at something, you'd finally be good at it, you'd be an expert, a grand master of that trade, vocation, field…..

laughs maniacally…..

Well, maybe yes for everything else but LIFE.

The real truth is,

Life, I'm not good at it. I'm no master at all and as much as I'd love to wield the power to be able to direct my own course in life, I'm a master of none.

Infact, should I shock you?….I don't know what I'm doing…..oh you're not shocked…

Now that I think of it, I remember telling my teenage students so passionately one beautiful Sunday morning, that contrary to what their parents at home and teachers at school would have them believe they don't need to know everything.

“You don't need to pretend, don't be scared. It's okay to admit that you don't know something, you don't need to feel ashamed and don't let anyone talk down at you because you don't know something. You really can't know everything and admitting that you don't know is an opportunity to know,” I had told them.

The irony of it is that the one confidently compelling them doesn't even believe what she says sometimes…..it's like I just open my mouth waaaa sometimes and the words that fill it are not mine but I just say them anyways.

But if they knew deep down how much their teacher struggles with everything she teaches them about, they'd be shocked.

What do you mean you don't know what you're doing with your life at 25?!! What a shame!!!

It's been a hassle to admit and finally accept that “I don't know” and even more tedious the inability to relinquish my ambitious desire and quest to know and just trust The One who knows.

Because all the stress I'm currently experiencing is because I'm trying to know by all means. I want to know everything about my life, my future, my journey. I want to have some semblance of control so that when it happens, I can be like “Hahaha, I saw this one coming.”

Let me tell you how my life has been up until now.

I touch something and it's like God slaps my hand off it and says, “Don't touch that, that's not for you.”

I want to do something, He's like, “no, you can't. Go sit down!”

I want to have something and it's more like, “ehhh, no you can't have that, that's for someone else.”

I want to go somewhere and He's like “Get back inside!!!”

It's been a whole drama between that omo-get-inside child and their typically overprotective african mother.

Well, I hated my mother's overprotectiveness as a child but now I appreciate it.

But there's something hearing constant and consistent No does to your mind. Sometimes you stop trying, you become too reluctant to try because you can already almost predict the response.

I had these amazing plan of work for my life…..oh well, they seemed amazing to me at that time.🤷

Leave Secondary school at 15. ✅

Get into the university at 16 (I mean the girl is intelligent.)❌

Graduate at 21 (that's if I decided against being a medical doctor.)❌

Nysc at 22 (well, I'd rather pass but yhhh.)❌

Work my dream job at 23 (had to be that easy right?)❌

Maybe settle down at 24 (I wasn't even sure) and move abroad (that I was so sure of)….❌

Travel the world and just be that happy, successful, luxurious woman people know but don't really know like that.❌

But God said NO NO NO NO NO NO…❌❌❌❌

I died and woke up,

“Haaaaa God, do you want to ruin my life?!” I exclaimed. I panicked. I wrestled.

When God shut down all my plans, it felt like a heavy blow in my guts and a mighty slap on my face….

….when indeed He was just trying to tell me “Ella, I made you for MORE than just crossing off a checklist.”

“I made you for MORE!”

You'd have thought that God saying that He made me for more would be like dopamine to make me feel good.

It didn't.

Still doesn't, sometimes.

Spent a better period of my life trying to believe and accept that I was truly made for more than just checking things off a list but sometimes the distance between believing and acceptance is exactly the same as the distance between the heavens and the earth.

Moreso, it's even harder to believe that you are made for more when you've always felt less….when you've been constantly made to feel less.

Every lie believed, every event that occurred, every action wrongly perceived, every response misinterpreted, every assumption made, every struggle faced, every battle fought, every scar gained, every injury sustained, every wrong emotions felt, every negative thought conceived, every mistake made, all had hands in this- feeling less.

The first time God told me who He wanted me to be more than who I wanted to be, it was hard to accept. I just wanted to be that easy going, well behaved, successful, ambitious, independent woman and having to give all that up was not in my good books.

With life, finances, business, relationship- I had something really good already going on (or so I thought) and it felt like He wanted to interrupt it. Take it all away.

Felt like God deliberately wanted to ruin my life when He said they couldn't come along with me to where He was leading me to. It meant I was going to lose it all.

But who has bewitched us?

What gives us the impression that we lose relevant things when we start to walk with God?

We lose nothing of significance when we submit to God.

It's either those things were not ours to begin with or God has seen from eternity point of view that those things would refuse to submit and respond in obedience to Him, so He had to eliminate them. Or maybe He just has a better plan.

But I'm positive that we lose nothing of significance and we gain everything of importance when we walk with God.

This year I sank, drowned, floated for a while,

capsized afterwards, I fell, rose, crawled, got up, sank,

walked, attempted to fly, fell again, rose, caved, grew, cowered,

but I didn't do it without God.

I have fought and lost a few, won far too many. I have taught and I have learnt.

I have existed and I have lived. I have cried and I have laughed.

I have obeyed and I have disobeyed. I have received and I have given.

I have hurt and I have been wounded. I have broken and I have been broken.

I have forgiven and I have been forgiven. I have lost and I have gained.

I have grown and I have flown. I have strived and I have thrived.

I have endured and I have enjoyed. I have tasted and I have seen.

But more so I have promised myself not to let the constant No stop me from even trying. Just maybe one day I'd align with His Will and it would be an instant Yes!

I have promised not to allow the fall stop me from rising. Nor the waves keep me from swimming to the shores. Nor the darkness hide me from shining. Nor the distractions hinder me from focusing. Nor the fears prevent me from rising.

Nor the harsh and unfavorable weather conditions stop me from sprouting, from blooming. Nor the wind stop me from flying. Nor the loss keep me from gaining. Nor the failures keep me from fighting again to win.

I have promised myself and by the help of God that I won't just sit, fold my hands and watch life dish out just anything to me, I will partner with God to make sure that I come into the fullness of His plan and divine purpose.

So, I guess this is the year of “MORE.”

Still guessing because I may not have the full context of what “MORE” means but I'm just going to hand it over to God.

He's going to trade my less for MORE and what MORE means is up to Him. They're His Words not mine. His plan not mine.

I'm not even going to try to interpret MORE with my human intellect to mean more money, more deals, more access, more success…maybe MORE is MORE faith, MORE growth, MORE spiritual blessings, MORE intimacy, MORE depth, MORE responsibility, MORE expectations, MORE integrity, MORE humility, MORE authenticity, MORE audacity, MORE sacrifice, MORE walk, MORE work, MORE obedience, MORE death to self.

In all, I'd just let God interpret it by Himself through my life.

Let go and let God won't be as easy as they say but I could even try to attempt it.

This is what I think my 25th should be…

Less figuring out, MORE faith. Less trying to know, MORE trust.

I'm unashamed and pleased to announce to you that at 25, I am a still master of none, still not figured this thing called life and I am fine with it.

My life, my future, my journey, finance, career, relationship, my call, social lifeee…….is still very much unfigured but I let go to receive MORE.

Finally, this thing called life, there's MORE to it than just living off a check list, crossing things off while waiting in earnest anticipation for the day you die.

I don't think God would go the extra mile to breathe His Spirit into us just to have us live ordinary lives by our books, we were made for MORE.

I don't think all that Jesus’ suffering and death on the cross was so we could settle for less, accept the barest minimum and refuse to have life and have it in Abundance, there's MORE.

For Me and For You.

And with that, the old chapter comes to an end and the new begins….the year of MORE.

Happy Birthday Edeke Emmanuella Gloria Iyanuoluwa EmemAbasi NuellaBlaq (I really like all my names).

“Welcome to the Year of MORE!!!”

If you're older, what is something you'd say to a younger person trying so hard to figure their life out?

Till I write to you next time, leave a kind message for me.

Yours truly,

Your sister in Seasons!